Healing Us - Volume 2
HEALING US - 4/12/23
Today I call in the grace and compassion to accept myself fully as I am, and today I feel defeated by grief and loss.
Unfortunately, it’s not acceptable to present a vulnerable front all the time.
Sometimes we give someone a free pass if they fall apart publicly, but there is an expectation that they should pull it back together in a timely manner…
It’s a lot of pressure to have everything all together. There is resistance to allow a graceful acceptance for the mess that life is.
As time moves forward, I grow more appreciative of my resilience, and yet I also have times where I am frustrated that I must move forward at all.
Eleven months ago, my mom and I moved my father, her husband, into an assisted living memory care home. This was less than a year after my sister passed away unexpectedly in her sleep.
My father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2008. Parkinson’s is a neurological disorder that can cause tremors, freezing, dementia like symptoms, and many other nuanced symptoms. For fifteen years I have slowly witnessed my father deteriorate physically and mentally. Despite him having access to the best doctors in Boston, an incredible wife who continues to display the strongest dedication to manage his ultimate well-being— his decline continues slowly. To be frank, for over a decade it has felt like witnessing someone be tormented and completely out of control of their life trajectory.
It is crazy to consider while we have access to our mind, we spend so much time trying to control our lives, when control is just an illusion we grasp on to.
Following my sister’s passing, my father’s Parkinson’s symptoms were exacerbated. He began experiencing auditory and visual hallucinations, and his falls increased. Nonetheless, my family had to come to terms with moving my father into a home that would keep him safe and provide him a better quality of life.
The most challenging part for me is that I have not been able to process this major life change with my dad because of his limited cognition. Yet, when I ask him how he is doing, he says he is happy with a genuine smile on his face. He has embraced his new community and home with the most grace imaginable.
I tell my dad he’s my super dad because he faces challenges we cannot fathom daily. If my dad could walk easily or live at home with his dogs that would make him the happiest man alive. Yet, he has accepted that his life circumstances do not allow that.
I have never shared about my father’s health publicly, because to be honest it is tremendously painful. My sister died suddenly and since I was 15 years old it has felt like I have been watching my father die.
My mom and I have been processing a lot together even though our experiences are completely different. Grieving a child and ones’ husband cannot be compared to losing a sister and a father. My dad celebrated his 66th birthday March 18th, and it was difficult for both of us to not feel immense sorrow. This is not the life we’d wish for the man we love the most in our lives.
I share my inner experience to release the need to pretend I am ok when I am not, because it is ok not to be ok.
I am supported, loved, and capable of handling anything that life throws at me, AND that does not mean I do not feel the pain that these experiences of loss make me feel inside.
If you have experienced death of a loved one or an illness/life altering change of a family member or close friend; I feel you deeply. Allowing myself the privilege to grieve fully has been one of the most difficult and freeing opportunities I have been able to have as a human.
I will be grieving for the rest of my life, and I would be honored to grieve alongside you. Reach out and share your story.
I am always here.
XX, Hilary